However these realizations come and ago during the face of difficulty. Eventually I start fighting it on my own, try to make arrangements to lessen the impact of difficulty which only cause more entanglement.
I sometimes have a spiritual conception while dealing with the difficulty and sometimes a material one. During the difficulty I realize I could have had a sustained spiritual conception during this time if I had performed good sadhana before and I resolve to do better sadhana.
I learn some lessons during that time, that Krishna is trying to teach me something here. He is wanting to correct me in some way, remove certain anarthas from me.
Once the difficulty is over I learn some lessons and miss some lessons and more or less revert back to my old ways.I get a little wiser in devotional service and a little sincere however I start forgetting many lessons. Whenever I remember the difficult time and I remember the painful things I heard, the painful situations I was in and it gives grief to my heart.
Why was it difficult for me ?
Obviously "I wasnt treated well but more importantly I could not "Tolerate being Corrected". The tolerance I needed was not to tolerate others and the pain but to tolerate being corrected.I read this quote "Tolerate being corrected" in article BTG#29-04,1995, The Social Role of Cows
by Hare Krsna Devi Dasi. She writes "Probably no other animal is as tolerant as a cow. If by your daily care and affection you convince the cow or ox that you are its well-wisher, it won’t hold a grudge against you for reprimanding it. It won’t attack you. For example, once, by my foolish negligence, one of our milk cows got loose from her stall, and when I walked into the barn I found her eating from a grain cart. I knew she could die from overeating if she didn’t stop. So I yelled at her, but she didn’t stop. I hit her on the back with a stick, but she still kept eating. Finally, I had to hit her in the face, which I hated to do, especially since it was my fault she got loose. But she stopped eating grain and returned to her stall. In five minutes she was mooing softly for me to come and pet her. She wasn’t at all afraid of me, and she wasn’t angry at me. I knew a dog or cat or even a child would never have such tolerance.
If a person can develop tolerance for being corrected, it is a wonderful asset for advancing in spiritual life. Of course, a spiritual master doesn’t beat his disciple with a stick, but sometimes a disciple’s ego gets hurt when his actions or beliefs are shown mistaken. The cowherd can learn tolerance from the cows and oxen."
Just like Mataji first yelled at the cow, hit her on the back with a stick and then finally had to smack her on the face - Krsna also gives me mini indications of my mistake by giving me mini purification for the same bad habit. I don't end up learning then he gives me a little bigger purification but I still don't learn, because I cannot "tolerate being corrected" its too much for my false ego - I don't learn because I think I am perfect in that area - I don't have that problem someone else does. When I don't learn in-spite of numerous nudges by Krishna then he has to push me hard so that I fall from that false position of being perfect and can realize how I have been making this mistake repeatedly and I need to learn this lesson.
If I can tolerate being corrected it is a wonderful asset for my advancement in spiritual life. So tolerance is not of tolerating the people or the situation or the effects of our karma, it is also tolerating being corrected
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